Once up a time there were three monkeys. Daddy monkey, Mummy monkey and Baby monkey. They lived in a tree on the plains in Africa. There was not much to do in their tree, they were bored.
“I’m bored” said Baby monkey.
“Let’s go shopping,” said Mummy monkey.
“Don’t be stupid,” said Daddy monkey, “we’ve not got any cash.”
“We don’t need cash,” replied Mummy monkey. “We’re monkeys.”
“Now that is a good point,” said Daddy monkey.
“So how do we get into town?” asked Baby monkey.
“Get the bus of course. How else. We can’t drive a car,” replied dad.
“A number 44, should be along fairly soon,” said Mummy monkey. “We could get that. It goes right into the centre of the city.”
The monkeys wandered over to the bus top avoiding the lions who were looking very hungry that morning and waited for a bus.
Soon enough a number 44 came along and they jumped on.
“Fairs please,” said the driver.
The monkeys just ignored the driver as they didn’t have the correct change, because they didn’t have pockets because they were monkeys.
Have you ever noticed the handles on straps on buses that hang down from the rails on buses? That’s in case the bus ever stops in Africa and monkeys want to get on. Or South America, there are monkeys there and they have prehensile tails which means they can hang from them using their tails. However I have digressed.
The monkeys started swinging on the straps as monkeys are inclined to do. After all they are monkeys, but not using their tails as they were African monkeys.
“Oi,” said the driver. “Monkeys stop that!”
The monkeys being monkeys just ignored the driver, after all they never do anything a human tells them. That’s why they don’t make good pets. So children never ask your mummy or daddy for a pet monkey. It will just wreck your house. Oops I’ve digressed again.
The driver stopped the bus, they were still in the middle of the savannah. “Right monkeys, off the bus,” the driver shouted.
The monkeys jumped out of a window, as the driver was looking quite angry. The window had been left open because it was a really hot day, which it often is in Africa.
The three monkeys then went and sat on the roof. The driver didn’t notice what the monkeys had done and soon the bus started off again. The monkeys could hear the driver mutter ruse words like ‘poo’ under his breath.
“Hey look” Baby Monkey shouted.
“What?” replied Mummy monkey.
“There’s some giraffes”
“Well yes you get giraffes in Africa,” Daddy monkey replied.
“Why don’t we get any near our tree?”
“The lions scare them off.”
“Can’t we ask the lions not to eat them?”
“Well we don’t want the giraffes coming and eating our leaves do we?”
“I suppose not,” Baby monkey replied.
Soon they reached the city centre and spotted a particularly large shop.
“I want to go shopping in there,” said Mummy monkey pointing to that large department store and jumping off the bus’ roof.
“What are you going to get?” asked Daddy following.
“Shoes and a dress, I’m a lady monkey. What else do ladies get in the shops?
“What are you going to get?” she asked.
“Don’t know,” perhaps the latest Manchester United top.
“Man United, I didn’t know you liked football. Anyway, we don’t live in Manchester, we live in Africa.”
“Most Manchester supporters don’t live in Manchester.”
“Yes but you should support a local team?”
“I don’t know what they’re called but some of the gazelles have taken to kicking some stones about.”
“It’s hardly the same is it?”
“No I suppose not, so what else are you going to get?”
“A big, flat screen telly.”
“So how are you going to get that home?”
“On the bus of course.”
“We don’t have anywhere to plug it in, I don’t know if you’d noticed but there aren’t many sockets in our tree.”
“I’m going to get a solar powered one.”
“What about at night when the Man U are playing
in the Champions league.”
“We’ll have to record it,” Daddy monkey said and went and hung from a light fitting.
“What can I get,” asked Baby Monkey.
“Whatever you like,” replied his mother.
“I want a comic and an ice cream ‘cause I’m hot and I want a radio controlled helicopter to annoy the lions with and a lot of lego to build a tree just like our, so we can live in a lego tree and I want car and a train set and a Barbie doll.”
“What do you want a Barbie for?” Daddy asked from his light.
“Let him have a Barbie,” mother said.
“Cause she’s a monkey doctor, that’s her new job.” Baby added, “Monkey doctor.
She can cure you if you get an itchy bottom.”
“I never get an itchy bottom.” Daddy Monkey replied indignantly.
“Why do you keep scratching it then?” Mother asked.
“I’m a monkey, monkeys are supposed to scratch their bottoms.”
Mummy monkey was no longer listening, she had spotted a pair of shoes and like most females, all thoughts went out of her brain at the sight of some shiny new shoes.
“I’m having those shoes,” she said.
“Of course dear,” Daddy monkey replied looking round the shop for some football tops and televisions.
Mummy monkey ran over and grabbed the shoes, but she was a monkey and had size one feet, whereas the shoes were size four and they didn’t fit so as soon as she tried them on they just fell off.
Try stuffing a newspaper in them?” Father suggested.
“Oh good idea,”
Mummy monkey go a copy of Hello, and used the latest celebrity wedding to keep her shoes on.
“This isn’t a funny comic.” Baby monkey said picking up what he thought was a comic.
“That’s because it’s the News of the Word,” Daddy replied. “They’re difficult to tell apart. Comics have better stories though.”
“Oh no we’ve been rumbled.” He shouted as he saw a group of humans coming towards them. Let’s scarper.”
Mummy monkey raced after her monkey husband in her three-inch high stilettos with pages of hello trailing after her. They ran through to the next department, perfume.
“Oh I have to try these,” she said.
Bouncing off the counters the three monkeys jumped and grabbed perfume bottles from the orange faced women. Each one was hastily applied by Mummy monkey and so Britney Spears’ latest concoction soon mingled with parfum de monkey in an everincreasing assault to the nose.
Still being chased by an increasing number of humans the monkeys then ran through into the women’s clothing department, which took up sixty percent of the store, and Mummy monkey grabbed a small black cocktail dress as she bounced past.
The monkeys ran out of the store and onto the top of a number 27 bus going past.
“There’s a 44 going back to our tree.” Daddy shouted as bus went past in the opposite direction. The three monkeys jumped from the top of one bus to the other bus.
Mummy monkey nearly dropped her Hello covered shoes as they did. An hour later the monkeys were sitting in their tree. Daddy monkey hadn’t got his solar powered, flat screen telly or his football top.
Baby Monkey had got a rubbish comic that wasn’t what he really wanted. Mummy Monkey had got a nice black dress, a pair of shoes that don’t quite fit and some perfume.
So all in all a pretty normal shopping trip then.